The Ugly Truth

I seem to of lost sight of why I started this whole journey. You know, blog life and Buns&Bottles. I tend to get caught up in the “now” and sometimes it doesn’t always work in my favour. The ugly truth? Well, as it may seem, I look like I have quite the put together life. You know… baby with no TV, awesome in laws, vacations, the perfect little husband. Although, yes that it all true, I also live the real life that I’m sure most of us can relate. I have no f*ckin idea what I’m doing. And that is my ugly truth.

I guess I got caught up with trying to be inspiring to moms out there I failed to mention the reality of family life, or life in general. Wasn’t that the whole point of this project? To talk about real life situations so we can have a place to communicate and give advice to each other? Truth is, a month ago I was on cloud nine, and now I’m in a place where I don’t know where to turn. I lost sight of what right thing to do is. I spoke out of spite. Things were said to me that I never in a million years would imagined hearing. And, at least for me, it came out of left field. Yes, my life isn’t perfect and my relationship is not anywhere close to perfect, but I never thought it was at a breaking point.

I spent most of my life making wrong decisions. From a young age I started an eating disorder, I was 13 years old. From there spiraled a very long battle with depression. I found comfort in doing bad things to myself. The more pain I felt the more I felt alive. I never thought I would of passed the age of 19, that was my end goal. I discovered how certain things can release all your pain, so they were my love affair. I have deep dark secrets that I never told anyone because they were too shameful. When I turned 19, at the end of the road I had planned for me, I didn’t choose to die. I decided that a trip to Africa would be my new start, my new chance at life. So in that moment yes I chose to be a new me. The battle was brutal, even more destructive because I now felt all my pain I was hiding from. I came back and went straight back to my old habits. It was much easier to be miserable and have an escape than just being miserable!

My friends and family stuck by my side with zero judgment for years on end. They always supported me and tried to help me. Until one day, after my trip, my cousin saw I was back to where I was and she told me that if I did not get help she was out of my life. The next day I called for help. You know what’s funny? Who knew all I needed was a serious kick in the ass and not a shoulder to cry on?  I just decided I was strong enough to fight for my happiness and I fight I did. I fought so many fears and battles I think we all lost count. The journey was never easy but I chose life. The only thing I could of never understood was why.

I spent my 20’s trying to discover myself. I went on so many different journeys and walks of life, we would be here till tomorrow if I say them all. The most important feeling I remembered was, I was not meant to live happy and unhappiness I accepted. I was in this vicious circle of constant unhappiness every time I found happiness. While you experience these feeling, you just seem to accept that is how life is. Some people are meant to be happy and some are just not right? I then found spirituality. This is the greatest journey I have taken, the one where I found my happiness from my soul. And it was so powerful I was able to manifest all the happiness I deserved.

I found a sense of wholeness once I was dedicated to my meditation life. The power of positive thinking is so moving, you can literally change your entire life. How? Well, its quite simple. If you are a positive thinker and believer there is nothing that can bring you down. You can start with a simple exercise, every time you get a negative thought say three positive. You have to train your brain to think positive before negative and one day you will wake up and realize you see life in a different way! Is this hard? YES! Does it happen over night? NO!!! I spent months and months practicing this. With a little mantra <<My Life, My Control>>. This mantra helped me not attract others bad energies. <<Right Here, Right Now>> this mantra helped me live in the moment. I always feared the future, so I lost sight of the now and couldn’t enjoy my life as it was because I was living in constant fear of what if. These three exercises, with practice of mediation had the power to change my life. And it forever did.

Ugly truth of today. I lost myself through pregnancy, mom life and trying to be a wife life. Since I was so connected with my inner being before pregnancy, I felt that I was disconnected with myself afterwards. But I ignored it. I figured one day I will go back to normal, one day I will go back to yoga, one day i’ll meditate again. For now, I was a mom. WRONG. Always be true to yourself and just because you are a mommy does not mean you are not worth YOUR time. Yes, easy to say now that I am looking back, with my life flipped upside down. But Happiness starts from within. If you are not happy with yourself first, everything around you will suffer. So be true you yourself.

Strange thing is, those old teachings that I have learned before came right back to me. I am back to mediation, to practicing yoga and most of all positive thinking. Yes, we have to accept what we can do, and I accepted that I can not go more than once a week to yoga, but it is OK! The importance is, how whole I became so quickly. My first yoga class I cried the entire time telling myself whyyyyyyy did it take you so long for you to come back to me. So, even though I neglected this self care for nearly 3 years it was easy to get back into it. The nice truth? I love loving me. I am so grateful that I started to practice again. I feel whole, and I feel beautiful from the inside out. So, even though I am in a place I NEVER could of imagined being in, I am able to keep going instead of falling to pieces the way I would of in my younger years. That’s my beauty! It took over a decade of practice, of searching, or trying and yes life can be crazy and yes you can get lost. But the important part? Getting back up. There is nothing wrong with failing yourself, what matters is the efforts you do to make yourself better and happier.

A beautiful thing one of my best friends told me when I was at my low and scared. She said ” you can’t unlearn what you have already learned”. Now that is the BEAUTIFUL truth. I couldn’t just beat myself up anymore, I automatically went back into that positive mindset of “could I be a better me” and yes! I Could. I was not at my best and that’s ok. My focus was mom life, I didn’t do anything wrong, I didn’t intentionally harm anyone or myself. So, I F*cked UP! I could of done things a million different ways going back. Does it hurt? YES! If I could do it again would I do it differently? HELL YES! But that’s the truth about life, its a learning ground. Nobody here walks this earth knowing exactly what to do! Life is about lessons, but lessons learned. And oh mamma have I learned! I chose not to look back and beat myself up, I chose life. I chose to work on being that better me, I chose to live in the now and not in the past and make the now better cause no matter how much you try and hope you can not change what already did but you can change what will become. And that is my choice.

So, if you are in a place where you never imagined being, it’s ok start with yourself. Start with a little change and just that little change will give you the strength to keep going. Then, that strength will give you the power to change your being. Obviously with a lot of hard work and a lot of self love. I hope that my ugly truth can be your new start. We all deserve a second chance, or as many chances you feel like you deserve. Or at least a chance to love ourselves the way we deserve.

“The best place to find a helping hand is at the end of your own arm.” ~Swedish Proverb

Mandy XX





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